Ok, so I haven't been completely true to the promise I made 6 days ago. But every night when I lay in bed I think of the things I appreciated that day, so that must count. The past few days were very sun, warm and pleasant. I love my house, my homies. There are 18 students in this house and they're all special to me. Student life isn't complete without a second family surrounding you.

Today, and the day isn't over yet, I enjoyed:
1. The sun. The warmth in my face, the freckles forming themselves on my shoulder.
2. The walk. I had a walk with a girl from my house. We walked and babbled for an hour. Passing by the river, I plucked a few flowers. White and yellow, colors of the summer. People sitting in their gardens, peacefully, at rest.
3. The freedom. Just drinking my wine with ice. Enjoying the subtle taste of sweet, white, wine. The music blasting out my speakers. The water in the garden. At peace and free to do what we want.

My new project.

Hi people :]

Recently, I read an article in a magazine about being happy. And tacky or emo as it may sound, there was a sparkle of truth in there. A died out sparkle it may be, because it's gloomy news. Apparently, lately I haven't been the only person in this small country that feels a bit less content about my life than before. So the article said, that for the people who haven't been walking on air lately -and by saying this I am not, to my own discontent, referring to a drugtrip- we should write down three things everyday. Three things that gave us a moment of bliss. So from this moment on, I will accept the challenge of writing down three things everyday, in order to make myself feel a little less emo and a little more hippie.

1. Today, the need to get out of bed wasn't that big. So, with a laptop on my lap, I chilled out in bed till 3 PM. This made me feel relaxed and gave me a careless feeling. Nothing was necessary, no stress, enjoying the simplicity of lying in bed. Including moments of staring at the wall, empty gazes with empty thoughts. Because I can.

2. Today was my niece's birthday. I enjoyed eating the great amount of food; meatballs, pasta, salads, bread with aïoli, chicken drumsticks, ice-cream and strawberry cake. Another niece made a nice braid in my hair, the English translation of it is 'herringbone braid'. It's quite fascinating,  real piece of art.

3. As I was on my way back home, on my bike, from the station. Darkness engulfing me. In a great hurry, as I always am when I'm going home alone and it's dark out. As if my life would depend on it, concentrated on the road ahead. And in my frenzy of haste I looked to my right and noticed the beauty of the city of Leyden, surrounded by a blackened blanket of night sky. I slowed down my movement and enjoyed the scenery for a second or three. Totally consumed by the moment. Simple things can be so beautiful at random times.

This picture stands alone. Separated from the content of this post.

 

Niet meer.

Verveling kan soms best wel snel toeslaan. Zoals zij die elke dag met hem praat, hem alles vertelt, stiekem hem wel een knuffel wil geven. Maar na die paar dagen is alles maar van hetzelfde, en dan gaat ze weer op zoek naar spanning. Hij is niet genoeg voor haar, niet meer.

Unwanted.

We always want something different. That something that is just that tiny bit harder to get, to achieve, to do. As children we did the things we were forbidden to do. Like the cigarette match in the car, the round thing which would light up if you pushed on the end of it. Mom would say it was forbidden, something bad would happen. This made me curious and gave some excitement to my life. What if? And that's just one simple example of all the 'what if's' that have overruled my thoughts. 'What if I open the door while my mom's driving on the highway?' 'What if I push the red handle in the bus?' We are always in search of something that gives our lives that exhilarating hint, that touch of illegal activity. And this aspect in life just keeps expanding, taking different forms, showing several possibilities, leading into different directions. Just like now. If there is someone that seems perfect, too perfect, he will never be enough. The person who I hate at times and then love at other times, he consumes me. So this vicious cycle of wanting what's not there, wanting the unwanted, the illegal, the danger. It keeps on going, never-ending, consuming us.

Drunk again.

This weekend I realized how hard it is to let go of things in life. This weekend gave a whole new dimension to that. The dimension of your grandmother not remembering who you are; oh the drastic forms this disease can take. I will never accept a few things either, but I am forced to live with them. Like the way home isn't home anymore, and the way my health isn't really cooperating anymore. That time will heal, and the clock will have to wait and stop ticking till I have time to relax one day. Tiresome nights and days are omnipresent, and daytime feels more like living through a lucid dream and nights feel more like living through sleepless reality. I don't always have control over the things I do anymore and the things I do tend to control me sometimes. Saying 'no' is a thing I can't manage to get used to and saying 'yes' is a word that occurs in my vocabulary too often. The chocolate addiction is still the same; the silly name HEMA gives it is 'Speckled milk drops', which sounds dull. The words I have to study come in thousands. English words which I actually know but can't stick a definition to. Life can be a bitch, but hey, so can I. Sometimes life races past me and sometimes the other way around. I can't beat time though.

New people

It has this refreshing, new ring to it. But then again, we all know it is nothing more but temporary and fades away as time passes us by.

Tripje LR-RL

Rome was impressive, and heavy, and memorable. Heavy at most, sometimes, then at other times it was as light as a ray of sun touching your skin. The scooters were in abundance and the closeted gay men as well. The buildings and pieces of history were everywhere, I didn't know where to look. The umbrella's were lifethreatening. The kiss was there but the memories failed to remain. The piece of cloth holding my vest together is lost somewhere in Rome. Fortunately I managed to get home safely. Holland is full of flies and raindrops. Full of universities, classes to fall asleep, TV series to be grossed out with. My room is half tidy, half exploded. But I'm fine with it, because my bed is still comfy.

Dus dan snap ik mezelf toch lekker niet, big deal.

Principes zijn er nou eenmaal om geprincipieerd te worden.

Dus elke avond om 1 uur slapen ook, ook al ben je al de hele dag moe.