CHANGE.

So, as you all have noticed... the past few months haven't been very hippy-di-happy for me. But this is a good week for me. And I am trying to bring some changes to my life. Good changes. So starting in February I want to incorporate a fixed day to find out and explore new things. And *drum-ruffle* I have planned a day for evening events and one for events during daytime: THURSDAY EVENING & FRIDAY This is an experiment for me to see if I can do new and exhilarating things every week. Fluff my life up a bit with festivals, concerts, new stores, exhibitions, museums etc. So welcome to this new journey! I will put a blog post on this blog about where you can find my new blog about my newest adventures. These will be posted online every Friday evening (at the latest). I am exited. See you on the bright side of life :]

Belated Mirror Fase

Have you ever fallen in love with someone who actually was never meant to match your lifestyle to begin with. Someone that was wrong from the start, a mismatch made in artificial heaven. I have, and I am still falling into that world of unidentifiable emotions, torn between love and hate. I have issues with my heart and my brain. They don't seem to cooperate on a parallel level. From the beginning I knew things would never work out, I mean, really, isn't it kind of obvious? My brain won the first time. My heart was trying to catch up during their usual running match, but every time logistic plants got in the way and slowed down the speed. My brain won the first time. She was all arms up and head held high. Finally, she thought, finally I have managed to take logics into my own hands, by figurative means of speaking of course. My brain won, so I won, and indirectly the heart also won because this meant that there would be no emotional suffering, no sadness nor pain. No anxiety attacks, having to miss somebody or being afraid the obsessive alter ego of mine was going to show up again. The brain went on celebrating for about a year, with minor hick-ups of contact with the alleged man. But after a year, the heart gave into all the emotional signs. The heart thought "maybe, what if just maybe I would give it a try, at least I'd know for sure if our love is compatible or not". Well as you know, a heart is still merely, just a heart. The brain does all the thinking, the heart does all the knowing and feeling. But this time the heart didn't know, it considered, it thought about a possibility. This always means loss in the end. I never stopped my heart from taking that leap of faith, and look where it got me. I am an obsessive, anxious, insecure reconstruction of what was once a normal and gleeful human being. My surroundings have noticed the change in my behavior and energy, they say I am not the person I am supposed to be. The person I actually was before I chose to give this 'Love' thing a try. So now I have choices to make, choices I wouldn't have to choose from if I had never gotten myself in this mess to begin with. I made a mistake. Now it's time for me to learn from it. Another piece of unasked self-reflection I didn't want to mirror into my knowledge yet. Should I stay or should I go?

This month I am a part of the NaNoWriMo tradition. A friend on facebook posted the link, and this concept immediately grabbed my attention. Up for a challenge! Finally I have something to keep me motivated to write. But it is hard. I have 8000 words now, and it is day 8. I wanted to have 10 000 by day 7. It is hard to always keep on writing different things and not know if it actually about something or not. National Novel Writing Month; wish me luck! Maybe I will have a novel by the end of this year. x

Papa van de psychoanalyse.

Psychoanalyse is best wel heftig. Ik leerde vandaag dat mensen die heel erg aan schuldgevoel lijden terwijl ze eigenlijk weten dat ze niks hebben gedaan, die mensen die juist een onschuldig bestaan volgens de regeltjes leiden... zij hebben het meest last van de superego. Zij zijn het meest onzeker en het minst gelukkig. Ze weten nooit zeker of iets nou wel of niet zo is. Ik kan mij daar best in vinden, en dat is redelijk beangstigend.

Le fin.

You are pulling on my heartstrings. Tighter and longer every time. Up to a point where I can't push myself aside for you Not any longer. I have been holding myself back during this whole thing. Your last chance was tonight. Things went well and I was starting to appreciate us again. You pulling this lie on me though. You just played your last card and I am not sure if I am willing To give you another chance. My deck isn't endless and neither is my love for you. There are lines, and you have crossed them more than once. I have put up with this for too long. You have to endure me as well sometimes, but you really brought Things to a point where I don't know how to go back again. You leave me stuck in a place I don't want to be in. The time of playing games is over. Either you respect me and understand my wishes. Either you try to understand things and not make all of this about you. Or this has come to a full stop.

Ik neem mijzelf te serieus. Dat is mijn probleem. Het recht is niet aan mijn zijde als ik beweer te oud te zijn om te leven. Maar soms voel ik mij zo zonder levenslust. Misschien komt het door de eeuwige grauwigheid die schuilt in mijn kamer en daarbuiten. Het kan ook liggen aan het gegeven dat ik mijn dagelijkse bezigheden vervul met hoge hakken aan en een colbertje. Ik kijk gewoon te serieus. Of kijk ik jouw te verveeld aan? Feestjes staan niet meer zo vaak in mijn agenda en ik doe meer nuttige dingen dan dat ik ze heel erg leuk vind. Het plezier heeft zich uit mijn greep weten te wrikken en ik wil het weer terug vangen. Misschien moet ik alles maar even loslaten en weer leven zoals ik dat deed op mijn 17e. Toen was het leven mooi. Nu lijkt alles teleur te stellen; mijn keuzes, mijn relatie, het weer, mijn motivatie. Ik wil weer leven en genieten.

Morning dew.

And the morning dew stuck to the leaflets like ice to the lake on a cold, winter's day. Then the bushes shivered from the fresh, autumn wind raging through the atmosphere. The roads were still and pathways untouched. Mist droplets soaring through midair as if rush-hour had only just begun. The quiet filled me with gladness and the peace soothed my pain. In an instant I felt happy. Life was full of bliss in that moment.

ANIMA from Andrew Wilding on Vimeo.