Thursday, 10 January 2013
Belated Mirror Fase
Have you ever fallen in love with someone who actually was never meant to match your lifestyle to begin with. Someone that was wrong from the start, a mismatch made in artificial heaven. I have, and I am still falling into that world of unidentifiable emotions, torn between love and hate. I have issues with my heart and my brain. They don't seem to cooperate on a parallel level. From the beginning I knew things would never work out, I mean, really, isn't it kind of obvious? My brain won the first time. My heart was trying to catch up during their usual running match, but every time logistic plants got in the way and slowed down the speed. My brain won the first time. She was all arms up and head held high. Finally, she thought, finally I have managed to take logics into my own hands, by figurative means of speaking of course. My brain won, so I won, and indirectly the heart also won because this meant that there would be no emotional suffering, no sadness nor pain. No anxiety attacks, having to miss somebody or being afraid the obsessive alter ego of mine was going to show up again. The brain went on celebrating for about a year, with minor hick-ups of contact with the alleged man. But after a year, the heart gave into all the emotional signs. The heart thought "maybe, what if just maybe I would give it a try, at least I'd know for sure if our love is compatible or not". Well as you know, a heart is still merely, just a heart. The brain does all the thinking, the heart does all the knowing and feeling. But this time the heart didn't know, it considered, it thought about a possibility. This always means loss in the end. I never stopped my heart from taking that leap of faith, and look where it got me. I am an obsessive, anxious, insecure reconstruction of what was once a normal and gleeful human being. My surroundings have noticed the change in my behavior and energy, they say I am not the person I am supposed to be. The person I actually was before I chose to give this 'Love' thing a try. So now I have choices to make, choices I wouldn't have to choose from if I had never gotten myself in this mess to begin with. I made a mistake. Now it's time for me to learn from it. Another piece of unasked self-reflection I didn't want to mirror into my knowledge yet. Should I stay or should I go?